Thursday, June 7, 2007

Surfing the waves

Most of the people in my life, family and friends, don’t know about this blog. My sisters know about its existence, but I told them I’d share it with them once I’m ready. Besides, they have more than enough struggles on their separate plates at the moment, to be burdened with the things in my life that I’m trying to come to terms with. I don’t know if I want to tell anyone else. Maybe some day, maybe never.

Deep in my mind I had this notion that I would send them my blog address once I’ve arrived at the place where I could assure them: “I’ve been through some seriously rough times, but I’ve written all I could about my sorrow and longing, and now I’m OK. Don’t worry about what you will read, don’t be concerned about me, I organized my thoughts and feelings and it’s all sorted out.”

What’s been nagging me is something I never wanted to admit. I really believed that I could beat the after- and side-effects and come out smiling at the end of this tunnel.

I am never going to be OK with being Infertile.

That doesn’t mean that I’m still fighting against the reality of what it did to my dreams. It doesn't mean I've surrendered either! It also doesn’t mean that I’ll be living with a grudge against Fertiles, Life in general or just for the sake of being mad because I’m hurting. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever feel sad about not having children of my own, or that I won’t feel that burst of anger and/or frustration in an unguarded moment.

It does mean the following:

  • I accept that I’m a woman who wanted to be a mother and couldn’t be one.
  • I accept that some days the longing and disappointment will hurt like hell, no matter how far on the road of recovery I think I am.
  • I won’t think of myself as cold and bitter or a 100% healed on the days when the quiet acceptance replaced the hurt in my heart.
  • I will rather embrace my emotions - the whole range from sadness through hurt to anger and back to depression – than to fight against experiencing them when they visit.
  • I’m going to be patient with myself, and I will patiently teach others to be patient with me too, without making their life more difficult having to deal with my pain.
  • I’ll learn to translate hurtful statements and situations in such a way that I keep them from hurting me.
  • I’ll keep on confirming to myself that I am a successful woman, even without children, and that not being a mother does not make me less feminine, less of a woman, less responsible or less anything.

The waves are not going to crash over me anymore - I will learn to ride them like a seasoned surfer!

PS: If they do crash over me again on the days my foot slipped off the surfing board, I’ll just spit out the salt water, smooth the wet hair out of my eyes and - if I feel like it – run into the waves again for another ride to the shore.


I Beatrice said...

I feel so sad for you! My daughter feels a similar sorrow when she looks at her little autistic boy. You can't change things, and you keep on doing the very best you can,which is the only thig you can do. But every so often your heart breaks all over again!

Keep writing the blog though. It's a great healer, and you'll make lots of friends

Pamela Jeanne said...

Great thoughts! I also have accepted that this is a struggle that can only be managed not completely overcome. It gets a little more manageable as I make my way along. And as your Emily Dickenson quote points out, it's been as much because of women like you as anything else.

As I told another woman who has been down our path, I feel a new sense of "normal" as a result of meeting and sharing with those like us.

Summer said...

Your affirmations are ones every infertile needs and needs to be reminded of, especially in dark times.

I'm printing them out as a reminder for myself that, even though I have to live with infertility, it needn't control me.

pluto said...

I think that day will come when you feel you can reveal your blog to your friends and family. Not because "it's all sorted out" as you once imagined, but because you're living by the wonderful thoughts that you expressed in the later part of your post.

sharah said...

I don't think anyone ever gets to the place where they're "okay" with IF. We get to a point where we can accept it, and move on with our lives around IF, but I don't know of anyone who would choose this route voluntarily.

We'll be here for you though, when you need us.

KarenO said...

Beatrice, every time my heart breaks I get better at getting up again, and more convinced that I want to help others struggling with pain. The friends I've made so far are priceless - its worth everything second of the catharsis of writing everything down for almost everyone to see.

Pamela... your comments are always so full of uplifting compliments, thanks! You are one of the women who makes it easier for me to go along as well... hugs!

Summer, thanks for the compliment! Never thought my posts were helping enough to be printed out :)

Pluto, that day was closer than I thought. I showed my blog to my best friend, and he was very touched by it! Still waiting for his comment though, don't know if he'd post them.

Sharah, thanks! You are one of the people who have been there for me with a kind and encouraging word... I really do appreciate it!