Aunt Sassy started this. No, actually she just made me go get the box down from it's hiding place high up in the back of my closet, carefully obscured by lots of linen I rarely use. I've been thinking of that box and it's contents for a few days now.
So I took it down, opened it up carefully, and took out the contents one by one. My cat jumped on the bed to come and inspect the unknown items up closer. She can't resist a cardboard box. A few sniffs when I laid them out on the bed, and then she flopped down on one of my pillows to view things from a safe distance.
I expected a tear or two, perhaps even a flood of them. But I was quite strong and calm actually. They were exactly as I remembered them. Some even more beautiful. Still so soft and cuddly. They still smelled faintly of the baby-soft I rinsed them in to get rid of the shop smell.
Click-click. Some people might think me slightly (ok a bit more: totally?) crazy and wacko, taking pictures of baby clothes, most of them bought more than 13 years ago. None of them have been worn. Ever. The receiving blankets I bought are still in their plastic covers, price tags on. The cloth nappies for my shoulder after a feeding, or just to wipe a little cheek, super-soft and silent at the bottom of the box.
Yes, I still have every single item I bought for our baby when I was pregnant in 1995. It was just for 8 short weeks, but it was the first time, who would not buy something? The first gifts we received just after we told everyone about the first grandchild in the family that was on its way are in there too. Treasured amongst enough naphthalene to scare away armies of insects to preserve it for when the dream becomes reality. (Note the present tense? Oh my...)
This was the first toy I bought for our baby.
I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time.
I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time.
This little outfit was just too beautiful not to buy.
It's still one of the most beautiful set of baby clothes I've come across.
Below is another version in the same series, just as irresistable!
My mom gave me these little booties. 
You think if I lasted through all of this today without a tear so far, they would stay away. Surprise. You're not so strong after all Ms. O...
11 comments:
Such beautiful things. I'm shedding a few tears with you. I know we've only posted on each other's blogs a couple of times, but I still feel I ought to hug you now. Should you want a hug.
Karen O, my heart is hurting with you. For the lost dream.
May you sit with this wave of grief and let it have its way with you for a brief time.
And then send it on its (not so) merry way.
And then may you indulge in cake and wine. Alongside some friends who care.
XOXO
What beautiful things for your baby. I am so sorry you were never able to put them on your child. Your little one isn't forgotten. Hugs being sent your way.
Thank you so much for sharing this...and sharing yourself. You've made me feel a little bit braver about a box I've been avoiding opening.
~Carole
How bitter, bitter sweet...
My baby things are in plastic boxes, hidden where they can't hurt me...
May, I can't find your blog addy anywhere. If you want, please email me with the adress so I can come visit you too please? :)
This is a very powerful post that tangibly shows what we have struggled to let go of along with the way. I sometimes wonder how many fertile women could be so strong in the face of such loss?
I read through your background posts before I looked down at this one, so I've already cried a bit for you this morning. Here they come again. It's so exquisitely, painfully beautiful, this remembrance.
Karen O, this is a brave piece, and it's so moving. It shows so vividly how much you loved your child.
Thinking of you!
I know a May who blogs at this site:
http://myprivateye.blogspot.com/
Maybe that's who you're after.
Karen O, I'm sorry, I have no idea why my blog address didn't show up with my last comment. It's nutsinmay dot wordpress dot com.
(sorry, I'm not the private eye May)
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