Sunday, August 26, 2007

From blockage to mere obstacle

There has been a clump of hurt sitting like a stuck baseball in the middle of my chest for the past 2 weeks or so. It's not the first time in my life I have hurt stuck there. There was a time when it was bigger, and then times where it was much smaller. What bothers me is that I'm not used to it being stuck for longer than a day or two anymore.

The strength I've found during the past few years came with certain fringe benefits. One of them was the ability to distance myself from the hurt in such a way that I could see it for what it was: temporary. The knowledge that this too shall pass made the hurt bearable and made me more positive towards whatever caused it and how it affected me.

For more than 14 days now I've been trying to break through the wall like an obstinate child. The mental image of me ramming my shoulder into it, refusing to be sucked down into sorrow is a vivid one. It will NOT consume me, I will NOT surrender.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to do something drastic to up my energy levels. Yes, I'm praying, and yes it works, but I strongly believe that you cannot just pray for something and sit waiting for it to fall into your lap. It's like keeping on trying to make a baby "the normal way" whilst knowing it will never work for you, forgetting the new possibilities of IVF/ICSI etc. It might work, then again maybe not, but I'm digressing a bit.

I've always known that I'm a bit more sensitive than I would like to be. Actually way more sensitive. Sometimes I've thought that I'm too sensitive for this world that is consumed with pain and sorrow. Then I just lowered my head, threw my shoulder forward and charged the wall. And it worked.

Today I'm just sitting here watching the wall, no energy or inclination to charge forward, and I'm irritated with myself for typing the first part of this sentence. I'm stronger than that, I can beat this episode, because that's all it is: an episode of pain and that means it's going to be short lived (relatively!) and it will end.

And then I remembered a post I wrote a few months ago. Here is the quote I used there:

"Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger ... emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage." Marsha Sinetar

So that is what I will do. I will wait. Build up my strength. And then I will once again flow around the obstacle into the future...

PS: And update on my car.

Since writing the previous post I found out a few things about the Ford Ka that enlightened me to why the bumper didn't have any permanent damage to it after the accident. It (the bumper) is injection moulded in a plastic that has only just been developed within the last 2 years for the motor car industry. I didn't know that, and thinking about it, even plastic breaks and cracks when subjected to abnormal circumstances.

Knowing this helps me understand what happened, but it doesn't take anything away from my astonishment at what I saw. And there still isn't a single scratch on that part of the bumper. My brother suggested that I should get the shards of the broken light and use silicon glue to put it back and make the light waterproof again, since it's such a small part of the light that got smashed. Please cross your fingers that those pieces of glass will still be lying there next to the pole when I go look for them tomorrow!


Fertilize Me said...

Thinking of you !!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Sounds like you're in a difficult place -- something of a pile on with all the changes and demands on you right now. (And, I'm really hoping my writing isn't contributing to your sadness.) Wishing you a fast, clear path around the obstacle you're facing...

Lori said...

I've found that sometimes, rather than fighting with your strength, the fastest way through is to let the depression/sadness/clump/whatever have its way with you for awhile. You're right -- it won't last long. Stop fighting.

Your chest houses your heart chakra, the energy center that loves yourself and others. You may just be going through a clearing, a release of some pattern that no longer works for you. In this case, congratulations!

In some ways, what happened to your car may be a metaphor for your heart's resilience, of what can happen when you not longer fear the impact.


KarenO said...

Thanks Fertilize me :)

Pamela Jeanne, please don't worry - your writing is keeping my mind busy, this clump of pain is not about infertility or any related subject, so your words keeps my mind off the current issues - and I'm enjoying it lots!

Lori - thanks for putting things so clearly. I'm growing through this, and it will pass, hopefully soon! :)

Pamela Jeanne said...

Phew! To use a trite turn of phrase, I want to be part of the solution, not the problem ;-)

Artblog said...

Will being nominated for a "rockin girl blogger" award help any ;)