Sunday, August 19, 2007

A Lost Penguin

This blog was started to get the jumbled words in my soul organized. It worked. For a while that is. But the past week brought new emotions and feelings that prove to be untameable. So far at least.

Do you know that helpless feeling rising up from the pit of your stomach, threatening to grab you by the throat and strangle all sanity from you?

I’m a strong woman, I overcame so many really difficult situations, and I know this current storm will die down and the sea would look like a big, peaceful lake again. But right now the waves are tsunami size and there is nowhere to run.

There are so many words I can pin down to try and explain what is going on. My sister is in the middle of the storm, unfortunately not in the eye thereof – so you see it’s not my place to blab out all details of her private life on the internet.

At first I tried to distance myself from this situation, while being there for her, reasoning that even though it touches my life too because she’s my sister and I love her lots, it’s her life, and it won’t affect mine so much. That’s where I made the BIG mistake. Or maybe it showed me that I’m depending way too much on life going on like it is for ever and a day.

It was an extremely rude awakening when I realized that so much of my security was invested in life around me.

My parents living close-by, being relatively healthy, and then my mom got sick and almost died. My brother having an incredibly well-paid job after working for peanuts for 15 years, and then the worries when his colleagues got fired one after the other. (He survived the resizing of the company) My sisters and their families living close-by, enabling me to visit with them often, seeing my nephews grow up from beautiful babies into pre-teenagers, and now this new horror story.

So you see: a big part of my little world was kept safe through the stability of things in a situation I saw as perfect enough for now. (Read – it can be better but please don’t let it change too much, and pleasepleaseplease let it go on till forever!)

The whole card house is about to come tumbling down and I feel like a lost penguin on a piece of ice in the middle of the North Sea.

Life in my family as I know and love it, is about to change drastically. I’m so scared of what’s lying ahead, but it’s no use trying to hope that it will go away. Some things just don’t.

I’m sorry that I’m so vague about the whole situation. I need to leave most things unsaid where I so need to talk about them: the internet is a weird place, and oh so small.

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On a lighter note, I’ve had time to update my previous post with more photos from my class.

I missed all your blogs during the past week, didn’t have any time to come visit you. Have I told you about the project I’m working on with my cousin? Well, it’s going crazy – we worked till past midnight on Friday to get the first module finished – but we’re a mean team! The coming week is our ex-principal’s retirement function, and I’m on the social committee organizing it – no sleep and no rest for the stupid sheep who said yes when they asked for help!

And now I’m off to visit you –let me just get some coffee first :)

13 comments:

Pamela Jeanne said...

There's no worse feeling than being an innocent bystander to a disaster unfolding around you. You want to stop it, make it better, do something but it's outside of your control. I hope the family crisis comes to a rapid resolution so you and everyone affected can start to heal.

Glad you have some good, healthy distractions in your classroom. Wishing you much needed rest and calm.

Changing Expectations said...

I am sorry to hear that things are uncertain in your family right now. Uncertainty is so tough. Hang in there.

Fertilize Me said...

Sounds very intense and painful. I agree with Pamela jeanne she said it better than i could. Thinking of you - and thanks for thinking of me too!

Lori said...

Oh, KarenO, I'm so sorry you're feeling about to be cast adrift.

There are people who are here for you as you witness the changes in your family.

Thinking of you...

Schatzi said...

I'm sorry to hear things are changing... and not for the better. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you negotiate this difficult time.

Wishing you, and your family the best.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Family situtations are tough--especially when you are close (in distance and feelings)-I know you just want to reach out and solve all the problems...I hope that you all start to heal soon!
Your classroom looks lovely!!

Geohde said...

I hope that whatever is currently threatening you family doesn't do any lasting damage. Thinking hopeful thoughts for you...

Irish Girl said...

Having just watched my sister weather a huge storm of her own (perhaps that isn't even done yet!) I understand. It is so hard to watch our loved ones struggle isn't it? Thinking of you and wishing you and your family well!

Summer said...

I'm sorry it's such a crazy storm of emotions for you right now. I hope you and your family find calm, soon.

lady macleod said...

I do hope whatever the situation is that it resolves in your favor, and if not that you find the strength to survive it.

i am pleased for you that your project is going well. Keep breathing dear.

Furrow said...

Like the others, I hope this situation works out well, and soon. If not, I wish you and your sister the strength to deal with it and some future sense of peace.

I often find it more difficult to deal reasonably with other people's hardships than my own. The loss of control is tough.

Char said...

Dear KarenO...
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. Please remember there are bunches of us out here in cyber-space who love you to bits and will be thinking of you non-stop! Me especially!

KarenO said...

Thanks to all of you for your wonderfully warm and heartfelt comments - I appreciate it more than you would ever know. It's going to be an uphill path on the way to reasonable "normality" again, but at least we have each other, lots of love, and our faith to hold onto. Some days are better, some infinitely worse - but every new day is a day closer to where things will be lots better again.

Love you all LOTS! :)