I’m in a very introspective mood lately. The past week had my emotions ranging between desperation and elation. The main reason for me going inside my head to do some research and organizing has just about everything to do with “being 40+, single, and still wanting a baby”.
After a week of deliberation between me, myself and I, having had some input from friends, my sisters and my cat, (with a knowing smile as only comment from my mom) I can safely say that I survived another round of this “What if?” game.
The question: “What would you do if you knew you’d have a baby this time next year?”
What the question doesn’t say about the ground rules is this:
After a week of deliberation between me, myself and I, having had some input from friends, my sisters and my cat, (with a knowing smile as only comment from my mom) I can safely say that I survived another round of this “What if?” game.
The question: “What would you do if you knew you’d have a baby this time next year?”
What the question doesn’t say about the ground rules is this:
- There has to be a daddy on the scene as a permanent, loving fixture. No single parent issues for me, I’m really not that brave!
- There has to be 2 lines on the POAS thingy within the first 3 months. No struggling to get pregnant this time around. (Yeah right! And the moon is made of cream cheese.)
So… what would I do? Say YES PLEASE! And start looking around for Superman to fly in through the clouds?
No. I don’t think so.
I’m at that safe spot where I’m comfortable enough with what I have AND with what I don’t have. Right now, right here.
“You’re out of your mind woman!” Bet that’s what a few of you think but keep to yourselves huh? Well, for a very long time that would’ve been my sentiments exactly.
And that is precisely what caused havoc in my mind and heart lately.
How on earth could I THINK of saying no to everything I’ve so desperately wanted for so many years? Any woman struggling with Infertility would give just about anything to have that choice and she would kill to be able to say YES! YES! YES! (Just in case her answer wasn’t heard with the first YES!)
I’ve paid a very high price to be able to say: “I’m OK without children and a husband for the moment. Thank you.”
Maybe it’s a side-effect from trying to focus on my blessings in stead of being heart broken about my empty womb and my empty bed. But it’s a good side-effect. The side-effects of this side-effect are very welcome:
No. I don’t think so.
I’m at that safe spot where I’m comfortable enough with what I have AND with what I don’t have. Right now, right here.
“You’re out of your mind woman!” Bet that’s what a few of you think but keep to yourselves huh? Well, for a very long time that would’ve been my sentiments exactly.
And that is precisely what caused havoc in my mind and heart lately.
How on earth could I THINK of saying no to everything I’ve so desperately wanted for so many years? Any woman struggling with Infertility would give just about anything to have that choice and she would kill to be able to say YES! YES! YES! (Just in case her answer wasn’t heard with the first YES!)
I’ve paid a very high price to be able to say: “I’m OK without children and a husband for the moment. Thank you.”
Maybe it’s a side-effect from trying to focus on my blessings in stead of being heart broken about my empty womb and my empty bed. But it’s a good side-effect. The side-effects of this side-effect are very welcome:
- A calmness of soul I never expected.
- Acceptance without hopelessness.
- That feeling of taking control of my own destiny. I’m in charge now, not the obsessions I had.
One of the things that made my throat constrict with panic was the idea I had that 40 is the cut-off date for trying to get pregnant.
Forget it: you’re too old. It’s too dangerous; your body won’t be strong enough. What about the things that could be wrong with the baby? Why would you want to be the 55+ parent of a teenager? Do you really want to do that to yourself and a child?
Just like numerous times before, when I was looking for answers, they came from just about everywhere. An interview with Annie Leibovitch on Oprah (that I would’ve missed if a friend didn’t phone to tell me) was the major turning point this week. I googled (of course!) and found this site for mom's over 40.
Right now I’m in a safe and comfortable place, being single and child-free. I know that if/when I change my mind, science and technology would be able to help me if I wanted to become a parent. Right now I don’t want to think what would happen if it didn’t work, but I’ll leave that for the future.
Call it keeping the back door open if you want, but I’ll keep on hoping and believing since it suits me to do just that, for the moment.
Forget it: you’re too old. It’s too dangerous; your body won’t be strong enough. What about the things that could be wrong with the baby? Why would you want to be the 55+ parent of a teenager? Do you really want to do that to yourself and a child?
Just like numerous times before, when I was looking for answers, they came from just about everywhere. An interview with Annie Leibovitch on Oprah (that I would’ve missed if a friend didn’t phone to tell me) was the major turning point this week. I googled (of course!) and found this site for mom's over 40.
Right now I’m in a safe and comfortable place, being single and child-free. I know that if/when I change my mind, science and technology would be able to help me if I wanted to become a parent. Right now I don’t want to think what would happen if it didn’t work, but I’ll leave that for the future.
Call it keeping the back door open if you want, but I’ll keep on hoping and believing since it suits me to do just that, for the moment.
10 comments:
1. A calmness of soul I never expected.
2. Acceptance without hopelessness.
3. That feeling of taking control of my own destiny.
If you have these things, nothing else is lost. Many people have what you seek (which is near the core of living), but may never have what you have (which IS the core of living).
Wow. I'm envious.
I think I'll always be looking for a "calmness of soul." I think I have moments of it, but I'm still working toward having it as a prolonged state of being. It's a great accomplishment and a beautful thing that you've found this.
Sweet calmness of the soul. Bless you, that is truly a feight! You are an amazing woman. Keep on truckin'
To be truly comfortable with who you where and where you are in your life is a blessing - and no easy feat! congratulations xxx
I like that you say, “I’m OK without children and a husband for the moment.” It's acknowledging the hard work it took to get there, the peace with being there at this moment, but it's also leaving yourself open to change, should your heart or your circumstances lead you elsewhere. As Patience said, to be comfortable where you are in your life at any given moment is a blessing. And I hope this sort of peace stays with you always.
And thanks for stopping by, and for the bloggiversary comment! I've found and lost your blog several times, and now I won't lose it again. As soon as I get my act together to update links, I'd like to link to you, if that's okay? (We 40+ chicas have to stick together. after all!)
I would however lose the Superman idea, talk about difficulties, the poor babe would live in fear of kryptonite for all his/her life; on the other hand there are all those cool super powers..
Well done. I have found it is not a common thing for people to take a hard look inside, to see their lives in the present, and to look toward the future. No matter what your future brings, I think it will be improved by your courage in facing it head on.
I wish you happiness in whatever form it arrives.
I applaud your even and calm state of mind. You remind when I wobble that there are many wonderful women around me with much to give, who master the unknown with such grace...
Peace and patience, vriend.
We had out daughter when Mrs GF was 42.
Itw was time.
If you are alright wear you are, thats good... understand that you have time, and if it doesn't happen, that's altight too.
So very happy for you.. that you have found a calmness and acceptance. What a blessing. I felt great reading this post, and it was a reminder to me of where I want to be.
Hi Karen
Of course you can link me! I found the same thing when looking for infertility blogs... there's so much to be said about it, and so few people sharing. It's like a silent disease that nobody talks about. And yet, people are miserable and misunderstood! Now that I'm here at your blog, I'm going to poke around a bit! :o) As if us infertiles haven't been poked and prodded enough! haha.
Nice to meet you, Karen!
Chat some more soon.
Char
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