Some people feel that without any history they are reduced to nothing.
Isn't that why we are so persistent in our struggle to have a child of our own? One of the subconscious and sometimes not so unintentional reasons is to reproduce our genes. But we also need to have heirs to our legacies, not really in the financial sense of the word, but more in a sense of leaving behind something of who we are, and what we believe in.
The thoughts in this post were triggered by an episode of Grey’s Anatomy I saw today. (I just love that show!) It was all about the importance of one’s history, being it medical, familial or just emotional.
Meredith said that sometimes patients forget important details of their medical history, on purpose or by accident. And that it could be the kiss of death in some situations. Then there are those people who try to rewrite their own history because they don’t like it all that much.
I’d give just about anything to change my history into one that includes a family of my own and one that excludes Infertility and divorce. Just erase all the heartache it caused and have that special dream I so desperately wanted to come true ever since I can remember.
But I’d have to pay a very high price for that.
The person I am today is someone I like. I care about the woman that’s me, with all her imperfections, idiosyncrasies and ample room for improvement. There are still a whole bunch of things I would like to change about myself. But the most important part, the woman I am deep inside, that part that has been to hell and back, is something I wouldn’t give up or change ever.
I paid for that part of me with a million tears, with heartache so excruciating I thought I would die from it. That part of me carries a wisdom that isn’t worth giving up for anything in this world.
My history isn’t that wonderful story I dreamed it would be when I was a little girl, not even when the little girl grew up and started dreaming grown-up, realistic dreams. But my history made me someone who knows what sorrow is, someone who realized that you cannot have everything you dream of. It gave me wisdom in and about situations where I never thought I’d have it, and strength of character that I’m proud of.
It’s not a choice – changing my history for who I am today. Like Meredith said: "It’s hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us, what guides us." It defines us in so many ways, wanted and unwanted. But I alone have the power to change my todays, even in small ways, so that tomorrow and into the future I would have something beautiful to remember. Even if I cannot be a mommy or a wife, I can leave a legacy of love; I can make an awesome change in someone else’s life today.
So remember: sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today!
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4 comments:
For all the pain and heartache infertility has placed upon me, I also have to acknowledge all the positive things that have come because of it...finding a whole group of people I would never have connected with, the person I am today, among other things. It's because of these things that I could never truly wish things had happened differently.
Thanks for an excellent reminder that our past is just a part of who we are...conquering our demons and ghosts and accepting what life does have to offer is an active way to shape our future selves.
Karen, what a great post. I feel exactly the same. We play the hand we are dealt and instead of wishing for something else, we must do the best we can with what we have. I don't love that I'm infertile, but I do love so much of the person that I've become because of my infertility.
Of course, as I type that, there are also a dozen things I'd like to erase, but today, reading your post, I won't think about those.
so beautifully said.....
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