Tuesday, May 1, 2007

I'm too scared to pray.

Just when I start thinking I’m doing OK, something really small and unrelated to IF happens and I’m flat on my bum again, trying to keep the tears away.

I envy those people who say their trouble with IF brought them closer to God. Wish I knew how they did it, because it makes me feel even more of a failure admitting I have a problem.

IF smashed my faith to bits.

I still believe in God, and that He is my saviour. On good days I can talk about how I see His hand in my life, and I can count my blessings and say thanks for them. But you see, I don’t trust God any more with the promises He made in the Bible. Maybe that is my problem, not believing. Not maybe, it is the problem.

I don’t believe that He will answer my prayers so I don’t pray any more.

Why don’t I believe that? Because for years and years I’ve been begging Him for a child; crying to Him through days and nights of my life. I tried to change my way of praying when it didn’t work. I tried to bargain with Him. I reminded Him of Hannah, even thought for a few silly moments it would help to change my name.

Then I stopped praying for a child. My prayers changed. I begged Him to give me my husband back. I was prepared to do anything, anything that was needed to save my marriage. I begged, I cried, I bargained. You know the history.

Someone with more knowledge of the Christian Faith would probably have hundreds of arguments to shoot holes as big as the moon in my story, telling me that God has a plan for my life, and that there is still something I need to do before He gives me the desires of my heart.

This post will turn into a book if I say everything I want to say on my faith, or the lack thereof. I’m already ashamed to admit I struggle with my it, no use exposing myself even more.

I’m too scared to pray because in my silly, IF-induced, pain-riddled mind, it seems that the moment I start praying about something, God will find out it’s important to me, and then He would make sure I won’t get it!

It’s stupid. I know. God isn’t small-minded. He isn’t vindictive.

Sometimes I forget about this insecurity in my heart, and start praying about something again, fervently. And then BAM! The answer comes and I don’t have the least bit of strength to pull my shoulders back and say: “Oh well, God has a reason why He said no. He is making me stronger, teaching me something.”

In my heart and mind I have all the answers to the questions surrounding my faith. I’ll listen to them tomorrow.

Right now I’m once again too scared to pray about anything important to me…


Tareq said...

KarenO... how fate linked me to read ur blog just as it was on the net?! I was reading Pluto reply for my blog, and wanted to know who he was.. then found u answering his blog, so i wanted to know who is behind that half-masked face,, read ur profile, and was really touched!!
i decided i should write you what i think..
Well, im not christian at the first place, but im not against christianity as a relegion or way of living provided its on the right path God ordered!! knowing that very few-if any- are still holding the original ethics and belief Jesus christ first held, make me feel that my belief is write and others are just "holding to dust"...Do u think for instance that George Bush's relegion (christianity) is pure Right and fair?! Nor does Bin Laden!!

Anyway,, the line that caught my eyes is that u dont pray anymore coz u dont believe in whats written in Bible anymore, as u dont see the effect...
when u use a key for a jammed lock, and it doesnt work, what would u do? simple we think: Change key! right? but what if there are no keys?! Break the lock, bring another one which key is SURE and works! right?
Many are afraid to Change the key or break the lock!! they keep on trying and trying, saying to theirselves: it will eventually open!! im sure of that ... and in the end the key tears and breaks, and the lock remains locked!!!!

IF u like me to write more, and tell u what i think you should give a try, please let me know,,
u will find me easily...

Really i hope i can help u.. and all those who ask for help or face distress... im a doctor after all!!

KarenO said...

Dear Tareq, thanks for your heartfelt reply. I do believe what is in the Bible, but sometimes my faith is lacking because of my own human short-comings. My "key" of praying isn't working right now because my faith isn't strong enough. That I know.

I value your advice in this regard, but I'm not going to change my key or break the lock just because it doesn't work in the way I want it to. In my heart I know it's not because it's the wrong key in the wrong lock, it's the operator that is faulty, and thats me! :)

pluto said...

I was touched by this too.

I don't believe that you're being denied these things because God finds you unworthy of them. (So, what is going on then? I wish I knew.)

MLO said...

I also deal with a chronic illness that is considered more socially isolating than infertility. I always say to myself "Remember Job?". Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

In my heart of hearts, I believe it is ok to be mad at God. As Christians, we are his adopted children and, thus, he is our Father. Did you never get mad at your dad? Did you never rant and rave at him? I do all the time. It is just as much a prayer to stand and shout, "Why? I don't understand why you keep doing this to me!" as to say "Thank-you."

Now, I'm sure God wants to hear "Thank-you,", but you won't be the first to yell at Him in your despair and crying. He knows your heart better than you do.

Oh, and even the Lord, Christ, asked that His cup be passed from His hand. How can we be expected to be any better than His only begotten Son? We can only try to live up to that - no matter the pain.

I, for one, do not believe that God visits evil upon man - or sends us trials. Madeleine L'Engle once wrote that free choice and destiny are like a poem (I can't remember what kind), but I will use a Haiku. There is a very strict structure around which you can write anything you want. Sometimes that structure includes being born into war, famine, disease, etc. It is up to us what we do within its structure.

I don't know if what I have said here helps. I can only share what I think and what I have done to help myself.



sharah said...

Not everyone's faith grows during IF -- I know mine hasn't. In fact, I could have written what you said about being afraid to ask for anything.

These days, I can honestly say that I believe in God. Past that, I'm not sure about anything.

Tareq said...

KarenO ,Pluto :)
its getting like a message board here :) hope KAren doesnt mind free minds to share ideas here :)

KarenO,, dont change the lock or keys,, but let the operator have the courage to look for other "brands" while keeping a constant trail on ur own lock..
just for the sake of curiosity if u like,, try to fill up some time reading about the truth hidden in other "beliefs" .. im sure you will find something.. not necessarily different, but hopefully more acceptable to your heart and soul...

Well,,in my belief, God "Allah" has a wisdom hidden in every little thing in this universe, for us; ignorant human beings, not finding that wisdom or recognising its meaning does NOT mean it is not there!! right??

For mankind, Allah gave us 2 things: Good and Bad things.. Good is from God, and bad is from God as well!! not from Evil! Evil merely manipulates our minds to make us think that Bad things happening to us is like a punishment from God for somthing we did (or didnt' do!)... faith is in geoprady of breaking apart at this very point!

Allah, knowing it all, is merciful and made us ignorant (in certain aspects) as a kind of mercy! Imagine if u know and hear all what people say or think about u! your life will be a living hell!
Imagine if u know the date of your death, or when an accident would happen to you or your beloved.. and (to make it worse) you cant change a thing about that! just watch it coming!
Trust me its a BIIIIGGGG mercy that we dont know,, but for that mercy to be fully thanked, the Beleif must be based upon firm knowledge and trust of Allah...
at this point, i would like to know if you believe that Allah "God" is one or three?! coz this puzzles me much indeed.. for me, i believe its One and only one!

Looking forward to hearing from u all soon :)

MLO said...

Tareq, the trinitarian doctrine is actually in the class of "Mystery" accepted as a tenet of faith. The most basic way to understand it is to think of water which has 3 basic forms:
-- solid (ice) The Son
-- liquid (water) The Father
-- gas (steam) The Holy Ghost
All are the same, but what is perceived is very different.

Karen, I suffer from my disease(s) and infertility. My disease helped create my infertility. (Tubes destroyed by a rare pneumonia that is only seen in immunocompromised people. I got it because my allergies were so bad I had to completely suppress my immune system.)

Your faith is your faith. And it will ebb and flow - and perhaps even disappear. No one need answer for that other than you. I only know that Job's story has always helped me. Even when I didn't want it to.



Tareq said...

mlo: i dont believe in anything except that God is One! Ice is water and water is steam given different characterstics due to different circumstances,, they cant be together naturally in one space and time,, thus if the resemblence is ok, 3 Gods cant be together!!
Another weak spot is that if the "trinitarian doctrine" was 100% true and devine, then why it was not revealed till 2000 yrs? If Moses and Abraham were true messengers, why they didnt claim that doctrine?? as long as God is ever existing &everlasting, why he didnt reveal such a fact till Jesus came?? the answer is simple: its because God is one, had one form, and one name, other names are of his own character (merciful, gracious, powerful, creator...etc).. he doesnt have a son or father, nor does he had an assistant or partner..
thats my own belief, and im sure of that,,
I really hope that Allah "God" give you a better health, and show u a miracle no human can do.. im sure u believe of somthing, but dont know if that something is a true healer...if it does, then it must be Allah!

pluto said...

> It is just as much a prayer to stand and shout, "Why? I don't understand why you keep doing this to me!" as to say "Thank-you."


> I, for one, do not believe that God visits evil upon man - or sends us trials.

Nor do I. As for why he allows such painful things to happen to us, C.S. Lewis suggests that to God, that's a question that doesn't make sense. In the same way there can be no answer to questions like "When is a triangle?" or "How long is red?" The only possible answer God could give (says Lewis) is "Peace, child. You don't understand."

Pamela Jeanne said...

I've certainly struggled with how to reconcile unanswered prayers. Perhaps it's because I was raised Catholic and believed that if we followed all the rules and behaved well we'd be rewarded. Instead I feel I've been tested again and again and again. It's made me tired, quite honestly, and frayed my faith in more ways than one. Going to mass where mothers are celebrated and babies abound is more than I can take at the moment. You could say I'm on sabbatical...

Inconceivable said...

i can't help but respond to this. I live in the United States and I may view God differently then most. I belive in God and thus i feel a pull to express my opinion - i hope my small-minded American brain offers some help/comfort/peace. I do not go to an organized religious affliation. I have and I just can not find one that I truly learn and appreciate yet ( i am still looking) Some days I grow closer to God and other days I want to throw him out of my mind. My faith and hope are much like the Titanic: Big and Full of Life, then other times they are drowning/sinking from hitting an iceberg. I say this because NO ONE allowed me to be ME with God. They wanted me to be who they thought i SHOULD BE. You know the same ole bottle of christainity they bought. They wanted me to act and think and respond in the appropriate God-loving way. And my appropriate, they meant the way THEY acted/thought/responded. Well I decided that was not being true to myself and reading and researching more into hte bible - its not anything like what God's word said to me. THerefore I made an active choice to be ME and in that i could be a God-fearing/loving/reverant person. I lost alot of friends, accquiantances and some respect - but i didnt really care. It felt Honest and pure and unguilted and untainted. My IF journey has allowed me to be selfish at times and it has allowed me to heal and then get more bitter then heal again. My relationship with God is raw and not always packaged in a pretty little box. Its down right ugly and unfair. But this has allowed me to be more free in my life. (most days) I love God but he knows that I do not always like the crap I am going through and I wont pretend to like it anymore! Sorry this post was sooo long - i just wanted to share with you. I should have emailed it