During a time when I struggled with a deep depression, I made a promise to myself to look for something positive in every situation I'm in, no matter how bad I perceive it to be. Sometimes this works quite well. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find about a hurtful happening is that it keeps me looking for something positive!
I started this blog to make sense of the hurt in my life.
The only way I can face this hurt truthfully is if I stop sugarcoating the traumatic events of the past 15+ years. (Wow! Is it that long already?) I cannot face the reality of how much it is affecting me, how much it is keeping me from living the life that I want to live, if I ignore the harsh reality, describe the events in rose-colors and try to make it sound less painful than it were, and in some cases still are.
I’ve promised myself a few things:
- I'm not going to force myself to look for something positive in every post I make.
- If I get to the end of a post, and I've failed to give a positive message through what I said, or tried to give someone even just a little bit of hope or encouragement, then so be it.
- I'm not going to feel guilty about not being a sunny, positive, bubbly person all the time.
- I'm going to stop seeing it as selfish whenever I write something only because it has to be said, and not to try and help someone else in some way.
- I'm going to stop feeling responsible for how other people feels about my Infertility.
This is MY healing process, I need to focus on getting better while grieving and mourning the incredible losses I've suffered. If some people see that as selfish, it's their problem, not mine.
These words sounds harsh, and it was difficult writing them, even more difficult leaving them here. I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But this is my way of healing my hurt, and I desperately need to get past this, into the future.
Please understand.
And please be there for me, even if it's just in silence.
4 comments:
Congratulations, you've reached that first step, the one where you stop pretending to be noble, and smile so people don't worry about you.
It had never occurred to me that after my mother had a massive stroke and had to be put in care for dementia, I got fired and then of course infertility, that I might be traumatized. A friend mentioned that to me and my first reaction was wait a minute, I'm not one of those frail people, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm resilient, I'm superwoman!
I have always been proud of being in control of my life and being positive and encouraging to everyone I meet. But, after crying uncontrollably in my therapist's office, I finally understood that sometimes you just have to consider the possibility that you can't fix everything, that you don't always get what you want even though you work like a sonnofabitch to get it, life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah. And I don't have to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not.
You shouldn't feel like you have any obligation to post only happy-bunny things in this space. Each of us has to find our own journey to acceptance, and I can't think of anyone whose journey through IF was joyful. When you are sad, when you are angry, when you are hurting, just remember that we have all been there as well, and we understand.
I liked this post. It's your blog - do what you need to do with it. Helping other people can really only come when you've helped yourself.
Much as I want to be "up" every day, the truth is each day offers up unforeseen struggles. I relish the times when I feel sunny but I also accept and live in the moment when I'm not. Like you I find writing and allowing myself to feel all emotions has been the only way to try to heal and move forward. Angela is right on when she says it's no use pretending to be okay when we're not...
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