Friday, April 13, 2007

I'm angry. Again.

Pamela Jeanne has a post about “that” holiday. It’s not why I’m angry, but it helped me on the road to finding out why.

During the worst years of TTC, a very good friend of mine said the following after I had an unexpected emotional outburst:

"Celebrate the fact that you HAVE a mother; try not to dwell on NOT BEING a mother."

Well, sometimes it works. For about 2 minutes. And then I get angry again.

Yes, maybe I’m angry again because Mother’s day is coming up. Maybe I’m angry because some good-for-nothing-idiot killed an 23 month old baby and the sentence that caught me in my gut was this one: “she tried for 11 years to fall pregnant”. It’s absolutely, unspeakably terrible.

And maybe I’m angry because AF is here for the first time in 5½ years.

In August 2001 I had an Mirena inserted. For 5 and a bit years it was like heaven NOT having to deal with AF every month or whenever it decided to happen.

Every single time I felt the cramps, saw the blood, felt my body expel the clumps of blood, I went through the trauma of my first miscarriage again. It happened at 8 weeks. But that is a story for another day. (Read: I don’t have the guts to go there today!)

Why did I have an IUD inserted if I so desperately wanted a baby? I didn’t see the point of being reminded of my failures as a woman month after month in that painful way. The ringless finger on my left hand hurt more than enough, thank you!

So now AF is back. The hormones in the Mirena only work for 5 years. It’s time to get it out and get a new one. But I’ve got this (resurfacing) phobia about gynaecologists. Guess I’ll have to get over that soon huh?

I know anger doesn’t resolve anything, and that it’s an energy waster extraordinaire. But I’m not going to push this emotion under the surface. I’m going to feel it. I’m going to work through it. I’m going to get it over with.

But first I think it would be a good idea to get all my china locked away safely!

1 comment:

Pamela Jeanne said...

AF is visiting me, too, this weekend. The monthly sense of failure never seems to lessen in its impact...what a cruel bitch Mother Nature can be!