A memory for eternity

Today brought me the incredible gift of a very special moment in time that I shared with my mom.

I phoned her early this morning, to ask how she slept and how she was doing, but she was scarcely able to speak to me. She was so out of breath and in so much pain. When I said goodbye, we both cried.

A little while later my dad phoned, in tears, and when I asked how things are going at the hospital, he answered that it wasn't going well at all. When I hung up the phone, the dam walls broke and I started to cry uncontrollably.

The shock of seeing my mom so utterly weak and in pain over the weekend took it's toll. The heartache of having her crying against my shoulder when she was too tired to undress herself couldn't be held in check any longer. Yes it was rough being the strong one when my mom needed me, but it was so special to have been there for her.

When I got to the hospital, she was much calmer and restful and the medication started doing it's work. She was so strong and so brave: making jokes with two of our friends who drove to the hospital with me. After they left, she was too tired to talk, and I again realized how positive she tries to be for everyone else's sake.

I had some songs on my cell phone of Anne Murray's Gospel CD that I wanted to share with her, and after I plugged in the earphones for her and started playing the songs, I paged through the newspaper lying on the bed, holding her hand in mine.

Two songs later, she motioned to me to lie with my head on her tummy. She took an extra pillow and puffed it under my head. My very sick mom, making me comfortable to lie with her...

And there we were, my mom lying with eyes closed, me sitting next to her, lying with my head on her tummy. Her hand was on my head, her arm framing my face, and while she listened she stroked my hair.

A bit later she took one of the earphones from her ear and held it next to mine. The song she shared with me was "Bridge over Troubled waters" and the first words I heard was:

When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

We just lay there, looking at each other, tears rolling down our cheeks. When the following lyrics were repeated in the song,

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

she brushed the tears from my face and said: "I love you so much!"

We cried, we smiled, we loved. It was the perfect song for the perfect, most precious moment I've ever had with my mom, and I will cherish it in my heart for eternity.

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Thanks so much for everyone's support and love in response to my previous post. You will never know just how much it means to me. Each and every comment was like a warm, comforting hug in real life.

My mom went to hospital yesterday when the pain and shortness of breath got too much for her to bear. The oxygen and morphine made her much more comfortable today. She suffers from malignant pleural effusion, a rather common occurrence with women suffering from secondary breast cancer that spread to their lungs, and they started the drainage earlier this evening. My dad said it was excruciatingly painful for her, but that it improved her breathing ability a lot. They drained about 2 liters of fluid within the first 2 hours! The fluid in her left lung (actually the pleural cavity) was starting to infiltrate the right one and pericardium (the membrane around the heart). Tomorrow they are hopefully starting radiation therapy, and her chemo will be adjusted to accommodate this new development. She is very, very sick, but it's going better every day.

My mom is the bravest, strongest, most positive person I know. I was ready to give up on Friday, but she is fighting back like a fierce lioness. She won't ever be cured of this cancer, but I believe that her strong will is going to help her heal.