Monday, December 10, 2007

Scrapping Volcanoes

Hands up those of you that are doing scrapbooking. Not just one or two pages here and there, but really being into it.

Chances are that I won't see many hands.

You know why? Because 95% of scrapbooking is about making memory pages of babies, children and families. And those of us with the Infertility badge probably aren't brave enough to scrap pages of our nieces, nephews or any baby/child we know.

I gave into the scrapbooking hobby a few weeks ago because I just had to find something creative to do. Doing school work 24/7 didn't work for me anymore. TV and movies lost its appeal. I didn't even want to do any of the arty farty things I did in the past.

Blogging and visiting your blogs got downright too difficult. The words I read hurt more than it healed: I couldn't even get myself to write about life in general. The words were there, ideas for what to blog about were all over the place but jumbled, flying around and bouncing off the walls of my mind. Every single time I started thinking about blogging, I immediately changed direction, avoiding it on purpose.

Well, here I am. Don't know if I'll be blogging often again since our summer holidays started a week ago, but maybe, just maybe I'll have enough courage to face what must be said and written.

Back to the scrapbooking thing: how sad is it for a woman my age to make her very first scrapbook page about her cat? Very. Extremely. Painfully so. Yup, that's me. It turned out beautifully, but then I got stuck.

This morning I woke up, so eager to do something constructive today. Browsed through pages after pages of scrapbook layout ideas online. You can't avoid them: babies, children, families. No matter how hard I tried to just look at the layout ideas, the pictures just shoved themselves into my face. I suddenly felt extremely sorry for myself, and just started crying.

At least it got me blogging again. But you know what? I realized one thing: even after you thought you made peace with Infertility's impact on your life, the pain you thought were gone/better, comes back to make you crumble into millions of little pieces again.

The pain of Infertility never goes away, we just bury it deeper day after day. And then something in your life triggers some seismic activities in your soul and hurt and pain erupts like a volcano. Sometimes it's only a warning rumble, but then there are times that turns cities like Pompeii into a sad part of history.


Lori said...

I have missed you, Karen. And I understand your absence.

I would love to see your pages about your cat...

I just wish there was something I could do to help. I'm here. Abiding with you.

JJ said...

I have to big craft bags back in the "would-be-nursery"....they have books/pages that need to be filled...and I just cant bring myself to open them. I have a whole slew of pictures of our dog/stickers--so you and I can share some pet-scrapbooking moments!
Thinking of you Karen--wishing I could take away the tears.

JJ said...

Ooops I meant "two" not "to" =)

loribeth said...

Do you see my hand waving?? ; ) I've been scrapbooking for about five years now. I'm working on albums for my two nephews (whose own parents rarely take photos of them), as well as my own stuff. I wrote about it recently in my blog:

I do sometimes feel very much along among the mommies who dominate the hobby -- but there are childless scrapbookers out there. Kids are not the only reason to scrapbook -- your life & memories are worth preserving too! And if it gives you a creative outlet, all the better!

Fertilize Me said...

I know it painful to scrapbook a page for your cat .. but i love my cats..but does it make you a lil sad, yeah im sure!

I would love for you to blog about that mr wonderful in your life .. i haven;t forgetten that you tried to sneak that one past us yet!

Kami said...

I understand the need to step away for awhile and I also believe the pain of infertility never goes away. We may cope better, but the pain is still there.

I don't scrapbook, but probably wouldn't when/if we have kids either.

I'm glad you have found a creative outlet - nothing wrong with making a page for your favorite buddy!

Carole said...

I'm so glad to read from you today. I completely understand your absence though.

I've never been able to scrapbook. I don't even think I can do the family calendar this year.

Grief is a strange/awful thing. I find that it tends to strike when we are most vulnerable and least suspecting it.

Thinking of you today and always.

Geohde said...

Karen, I've been wondering how you are. It's good to hear from you again.


MLO said...

Karen, I'm so sorry it hurts. I know that even in my own hobby of knitting, the numbers of times people are knitting layettes, baby stuff, etc., can make it hard - but there are the adult only knitters - and I'm sure there are the adult-only scrapbooking sites too!

I miss your voice. Maybe you could tell us about your scrapbooking? Also, if you want to see how some other childless women found new life through other hobbies, check out ..

Though, on a lighter note, why would anyone blog about cats when dogs rule? ;-) Tell us why your cat rules?



MLO said...

Oh, oh! I forgot! Can you blog about your city?



Pamela Jeanne said...

So good to hear from you. I was thinking about you on the drive to work during a particularly rainy, cold winter day here last week and recalling that it was summer and likely time for you to go on holiday.

For what it's worth I would LOVE to see your scrapbook work on your cat -- I adore the little critters but I'm too damned allergic to them to actually have one. Ah, but back to you. I think you have an opportunity with the project to reframe your life and what is meaningful to you -- not what is meaningful to others. Unleash your creativity!

Bea said...

I don't scrapbook, but my mother makes all sorts of things, so it's a pity they have to focus on the child angle on the scrapbooking sites.

I can see what you mean about these little "aftershocks" of infertility.